There Is No Such Thing As Closure
by aarrimas
Summary: They say that time heals everything and that all wounds heal but George can't imagine a time where Fred being dead is okay and the pain he feels will go away. So instead he sleeps and he drinks and he tries to forget that once upon a time he had a twin brother that used to be by his side instead of just in his head. tw for suicidal thoughts and mental illness.


_Disclaimer; these characters do not belong to me and I am simply just borrowing them for my own personal use._

 _For Round 8 of the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competiton. Theme – someone making preparations for their death (natural or otherwise)._

* * *

Whenever George decided to speak, the conversation always managed to find it's way back to the one thing he never really wanted to speak about. It always managed to remind him about the one person that he didn't want to think about. Which was kinda ironic when he thought about it because even though all he wanted to do was forget, forget about everything he ever did and every moment they ever shared, he just couldn't. In fact, it ended up being the only thing that was ever truly on his mind.

Fred. His twin brother, his best friend, his other half. The one person who could read his mind and finish his sentences without ever really trying, the one person who actually understood him for who he was and didn't try to change him into something he couldn't be. The one person who George would give everything up for without a moment's hesitation if he had only ever asked.

As George laid in bed and stared at the ceiling that was covered in mould, he waited. Waited for Fred to make a joke or ask a stupid question or tell him a secret. He waited and waited for Fred to say something, anything at all, just so he could be reminded that once upon a time he had a twin brother and that it wasn't all just inside his head.

Except Fred never said anything, because he couldn't. Because no matter how hard George wanted it to not to be true, Fred was dead and no dead man speaks.

* * *

The thing about life is even when your world stops and everything you know and love is gone, everyone else's life just keeps on going. You expect everyone to know just how devastated you are and for them to be too, cause the light of your life is gone and now you're just left in the dark waiting for all the monsters that hide in your closet to come out and get you. But no one is devastated cause in the end no one knows or really cares, cause even though your life is over, theirs isn't and they plan on living it even if they end up leaving you behind.

Time stops and everyone else moves on and continues and you're just stuck, stuck in the moment when you lost everything and became someone you weren't. Cause seconds turn into minutes and minutes turn into hours and hours into days and before you know it you've been staring at a milk carton for three hours wondering what went wrong.

George knew this feeling well, he knew that just because Fred was gone and his life was over it didn't mean everyone else's was, even though most days it felt like it should be.

He just wanted to go back, back to a simpler time where he wasn't being swarmed with guilt and grief and pain. George would give anything, anything at all, for Fred to be alive and for him to be whole.

People say that time heals everything and that every day it gets a little easier. That's bullshit, cause every day is just as hard as the one before. No matter how much time passes, Fred is still dead and George is still left with so many things to say and no one to say it to. No matter how much time passes, Fred is still dead and George is still left alone. No matter how much time passes, Fred is still dead. And until Fred isn't or George is, it will never get easier or better and George will never be healed.

Cause you can't heal what can't be fixed and you can't fix it unless you can change the unchangeable. Which last time he checked, no one could.

* * *

The emptiness controls him. It tells him what to do and what to say and how to act. It tells him to act normal and to pretend like everything is okay and that he isn't broken inside. People fall for it, they tell him 'they're glad he's okay' and that 'they knew he would get through this' when really, they don't give a crap whether he's okay and if they really knew him at all they would know that he would never get through this, not in a million years.

It feels like his mind is on repeat and all he can do is listen. And even though all he wants is for everything to just stop, for his thoughts to quieten and his heart to stop thumping in his ears, just so for a second he can be left alone without having to worry about what he's lost and what he's missing out on, he just can't. Because to stop means to forget and he can't forget about Fred, not when the only thing keeping him alive is his memory.

George doesn't know whether he's worth it, whether he deserves to be here. He just keeps on letting people down and not being enough and even though he knows that he should live life to the fullest because Fred can't but all that does is make him want him want to die sooner.

He can't imagine a life without Fred even though he's living one right now. Although living might be the wrong word, in all honesty he doesn't even think he's surviving. Instead he feels like he's drowning and no matter how hard he kicks or how hard he swims, he can't get his head above the water and maybe the best thing to do is to just give up and let the waves suffocate him and take him under.

And as time passes the thought of giving up is starting to appeal to him a lot more.

* * *

He begins to make a plan. He starts with research, starts to search for answers about _what's the fastest way to go_ and _where's the best place to do it._ It doesn't take long for him to find what he's looking for.

Soon after everything starts to look up, his life seems less dreary and meaningless, which is kinda stupid because the only thing that is making him feel this way is the fact that he plans on ending his life.

Most days he wishes things were different, that he could be alive and happy. But those two things don't seem to go hand in hand, at least not for him. When he thinks about how this started, how he became so fixated on not being around anymore, it doesn't take long for him to find the source.

With Fred gone everything else just doesn't seem worth it. And unfortunately, that includes his existence. But then he starts to think about his mum and his dad and his siblings and all the little nieces and nephews he will never get to meet. He knows that they'll be devastated, that they'll wonder what they could've done differently. It's only then that he starts to reconsider, that he wonders if this is really the right thing to do.

But then he remembers back in fifth year, when things were easy and life was simple. He remembers Fred saying, "George, when was the last time you took care of yourself simply for the sake of doing it? You're gonna have to learn to do things for you instead of for other people. Cause if you don't look after yourself who else is going to?" And he realises just how true that is and just why this is the right thing to do after all.

He never would've thought Fred would be the person who would convince him to end his own life but he never would've thought he would have to live life without Fred either.

It's funny how life turns out to be so different then what you thought it would be.

* * *

It was time. And George was ready.

He had already tied up all the loose ends; said goodbye to his loved ones, cleaned up the shop, packed his belongings. Everything was ready.

All he had to do now was leave. Leave the shop, find a secluded location, take the potion and wait. It wasn't that hard really. But just as he was about to shut the door and turn the key, for what he realised would be the last time ever, he started to cry. Cause they both deserved so much better than this but neither of them would end up getting what they had worked so hard for.

He looked up to the greyish sky and sighed; the clouds were covering up any ray of sun and the wind was howling so loud it disguised the sound of the birds chirping. It was a crappy day in a crappy world but yet George was still sad to have to say goodbye. That wasn't to say that he was reconsidering, he wasn't, but he still knew that even though life was shit it was also beautiful too.

He remembers all the pranks him, Lee and Fred used to pull, usually on unsuspecting professors or peers. He remembers all the tricks him and Fred used to play on his family. He remembers all the dances, all the quidditch games, all the jokes and all the moments. He remembers everything. And he wouldn't give up those moments for the world, especially since those are all he's gonna get.

He wipes his eyes and shuts the door. He leaves and he finds a secluded place. He leaves and he takes a lethal potion. He leaves and he waits for it all to be over. He leaves. And he doesn't have any intention on coming back.


End file.
